November 11th, 2012

UK GOLD – HIGHLIGHTS

MONDAY

7:00
Rising Damp

Black tenant Philip (Don Warrington) makes himself a cup of tea, followed around by Rigsby. “Tea, eh? Bet you don’t have that in the jungle, eh, hhhmm, hhuh, hmmph?” Philip tales the cup of tea upstairs, followed by Rigsby. “Stairs, eh? Bet you don’t have them in the jungle, eh, hmm, hmrmff, hrrm?” Philip opens the door to his room. “Doors, eh? Bet you don’t have them in the jungle, eh? Hrrf, phrm, hmmum, hum?” Philip places his cup of tea on the table. “Tables, eh? Bet you -” Whereupon Philip hacks Rigsby to pieces with a machete, of the sort they have in the jungle.

7:30
Porridge

Despite repeatedly telling him to “naff off”, Fletch (Ronnie Barker) is anally raped by a white supremacist (Don Estelle).

8:00
Dad’s Army

“Don’t panic!” cries Corporal Jones as the platoon spot what they believe to be a German spy bobbing in a small boat off the pier at Walmington-On-Sea. He turns out to be a Jewish refugee and, over mugs of tea, explains to Mainwaring and his men how his people are being herded into concentration camps by Hitler’s henchmen and systematically exterminated. “A typical shabby Nazi trick,” snorts Mainwaring, while a horrified Godfrey forgets to ask to be excused and urinates himself.

8:30
Man About The House

His testicles at bursting point following weeks of being rebuffed by his two nubile female flatmates, a desperate Robin creeps downstairs with a view to “having it off” with landlady Mildred Roper (Yootha Joyce). To his surprise, he finds her slumped by the washing machine in a pool of her own blood, having impaled herself on a broomstick in a doomed attempt to pleasure herself out of frustration at her chronically impotent husband George.

9:00
Yes Minister

Consternation in the Civil Service as a Mrs Margaret Thatcher (Diana Dors), is elected Prime Minister. Sir Humphrey stalls her as she lays out her objectives; “My dear lady, while it would be most courageous, it would also be most infelicitous, not to say injudicious given the present concatenation of circumstances even to contemplate -” Upon which she strikes him on the head with her handbag, telling him that these are the Thatcher years now and he’ll do as he’s fucking told. Meanwhile, “wet” Jim Hacker is appointed Northern Ireland Secretary in a reshuffle and blown to smithereens by an IRA car bomb.

TUESDAY

7:30
Please Sir!

Fenn Street School is temporarily closed when a local council inspector discovers that the form master of 5C (John Alderton) is, at 28, actually younger than several of his fifth form pupils – among them, Sharon Eversleigh (Carol Hawkins) who has a 13 year old son in the second form at the same school. Meanwhile, there’s a new arrival at Fenn Street – Earl is good-natured, cheeky and likes the latest pop music. Just one problem – he’s black!

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8:00
The Good Life

With little experience of precautionary measures in handling livestock, Barbara falls victim to streptococcus type II, a pig-borne disease. Jerry offers to take her to the hospital for urgent vaccination but stubborn Tom insists on doing it the self-sufficiency way, administering a medicine made up in the shed consisting of essence of nettle and runner bean juice. The remedy fails, Barbara dies but “waste not, want not!” Tom recycles her by burying her body in a shallow grave of compost. “Toffee-nosed” Margot complains about the odour of the decaying corpse, ostentatiously spraying Eau De Cologne over the garden fence.

8:30
Sykes

The “will they/won’t they?” sexual tension between brother and sister Eric and Hattie (Hattie Jacques) that has persisted over several series is at last overwhelming, as both give in to their desires in a passionate session of heavy petting across the kitchen table. Not a good moment for their friend Constable ‘Corky’ Turnbull (Deryck Guyler) to walk in through the back door, drumming his fingertips on his lapels. “M- Mum’s the word?” says Eric. Will stuffy ‘Corky’ for once put aside his duties as an officer of the law and look the other way for the sake of his incestuous chums?

9:00
Terry And June

When they realise that they haven’t had sexual intercourse for over 30 years, Terry and June decide it’s time to spice up their love life. They decide to do a bit of role playing, re-enacting a tryst between Hitler and Eva Braun at the Wolf’s Lair in full costume. They get down to it but unfortunately, in his excitement, Terry puts his back out thrusting out his arm in a stiff  “Sieg Heil!” gesture. Paralysed from the top of his outstretched fingertips to his toes, unable to bend an inch, June must get him to the Casualty department at once, standing him up in the front seat of the hatchback, head and outstretched arm protruding from the sunroof. Worse, the route to the hospital takes them past the local bagel shop, a gypsy caravan site and the hairdressers run by “confirmed bachelor” Tristram – let’s hope they don’t get the wrong end of the stick! And watch out for that extremely low bridge, June . . . JUUNNE!! . . .

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WEDNESDAY

7:00
Love Thy Neighbour

Eddie gets into a row when he catches Bill (Rudolph Walker) picking apples from the branches of his tree hanging over the fence into the garden of his black neighbour. “Flamin’ nora, Sambo, it’s bad enough you’ve come down from’t trees wi’out stealing my fruit from them,” he shouts. “Look, honky, I’m perfectly within my legal rights,” retorts Bill. Eddie, however, calls in the local constable (Deryck Guyler). “Now then, what’s all this?” says the bobby. Whereupon Bill is taken in for questioning at the station, and falls down the stairs to the police cells, dying of his injuries.

7:30
On The Buses

Stan’s in the soup after a to-do while driving the Number 49. Distracted by a busty dolly-bird at a zebra crossing he loses control of the bus, sending it swerving off the road and into a canal, resulting in the fatal injuries of several passengers. Olive loses her glasses, with hilarious consequences – hubby Arthur calls her a “fat, ugly, stupid, blind cow.” Meanwhile, Jacko is put on the Sex Offenders Register following an incident with a schoolgirl on the top deck. And things get hairy down at the depot when a rumour is reported by the Daily Express that Adolf Hitler is still alive. Local “nutcase” Nobby ‘Gertcha’ Snodgrass (Arthur Mullard) spots Inspector ‘Blakey’ Blake and, mistaking him for the Führer, hacks him to death with a meat cleaver before he’s got time to scarper.

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8:00
Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em

Bumbling Frank Spencer tries out a pair of rollerskates outside his house but loses control and finds himself bowling at high speed down a busy road. He slaloms round a milk float and, amazingly, sails right underneath an articulated lorry but his luck can’t last and he smashes into a double decker bus, his body sliced in two. A cat walks past the bloodied pieces of his corpse and shits in his beret.

8:30
Are You Being Served?

When Mr Humphries is caught masturbating to gay porn in the toilets of Grace Brothers, there is outrage and astonishment in the gentlemen’s clothing department as they realise he is a homosexual. Young Mr Grace sacks him on the spot, Captain Peacock frogmarches him out of the store and he later hangs himself in his garage, a ruined man. Mrs Slocombe quips that now she understands why he never took any interest in her pussy.

9:00
Steptoe And Son

With the country shrouded in economic gloom, the rag and bone men are forced to kill and eat the horse. Albert refuses his plate, however, out of fondness for “poor old Hercules” and eats from a pile of dung in the yard instead. “You dirty old man!” cries Harold.

9:30
Dad’s Army – The Finale

After nine years of defending Walmington-On-Sea against invasion from Hitler’s war machine, the Home Guard are shocked to discover that it’s actually 1949. “You silly old fools!” jeers Hodges, the greengrocer. “Didn’t anyone tell you? The war’s been over four years. It’s all nuclear now. Fat lot of use your bayonets’ll be against nuclear!” The platoon members melt away back to civilian life, dying within a few months now that there is no purpose to their life – except Corporal Jones, who continues to patrol the pier, bayonet fixed, just in case the Germans, who notoriously “don’t like it up ’em”, decide to have another go. He dies in 1955, suffering a heart attack after an altercation with a gang of teddy boys.

10:00
Hancock’s Half Minute

Special edition of the series in which East Cheam’s most famous resident sits at his kitchen table, lets out a long, slow sigh, says “Stone the crows – what’s the point, eh? You tell me, eh? Dearie, dearie me, what’s the point?” before blowing his brains out with a service revolver.

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