December 5th, 2007

It’s a gentle poke in the eye with a soldering iron for Morrissey in . . . MR AGREEABLE!

Waking up to a breakfast of sautéed button mushrooms, poached free range eggs, dry wholemeal toast, grilled herring portions and my own urine from last night topped off with a pint of overproof rum, I enjoy my reviving repast, set aside the tray and peruse a pile of recent journals in order to catch up on the events of recent days. I read that Morrissey is currently having something of a run-in with the New Musical Express, over comments he is quoted as making concerning England having lost its identity. He contrasts this with Germany. “If you travel to Germany it’s still absolutely Germany,” he remarks. Morrissey is indignant about the publication of his comments and denies that he is a racist.

Yeah? Well, I’ll tell you what you f***ing are, and that is a f***ing addled, self-absorbed, middle aged adolescent f***ing c*** with more braincells in your f***ing hair than your f***ing head! You’re still in a f***ing sulk because in England we’re not all permanently suspended in some sort of f***ing black and white kitchen sink melodrama, living in some quiet, desperate state of f***ing cobblestone misery, making f***ing scrapbooks of clippings of the f***ing Moors Murders for kicks, all for you to f***ing wank lyrically over from afar from f***ing Rome or Los Angeles or wherever the f*** you’ve fetched up in as an immigrant nowadays! “Travel to Germany, it’s still absolutely Germany”? You gangling, greasy f***wit! If Germany was still “absolutely Germany”, they’d still be f***ing goose-stepping to f***ing work, England would be a province of the f***ing Third Reich, and you’d be wearing a f***ing pink triangle! Just be f***ing thankful modern Germany consists of f***ing idiots in red trousers and braces with all-advised f***ing moustaches with names like DJ Hot To The Max Uli! Stupid f***ing arsehole!

Last week, the Week In Politics show, presented by Andrew Neil, fronted one of their trademark amusing items. It was based around the remark by Vince Cable, acting leader of the Liberal Democrats, to Gordon Brown that he had transformed himself from “Stalin into Mr Bean”. It featured a Week In Politics reporter in a bowler hat, amid an array of different costumes.

No, you wretchedly befuddled, useless, leaky f***ing wankbuckets, that wasn’t f***ing “Mr Bean” it was f***ing Mr Benn! MR F***ING BENN, YOU F***ING MORONS! This should be the f***ing cue to have this smug, smirking, piece of shit show thrown off the air like a f***ing shopping trolley into a f***ing canal! Just have one last f***ing edition where Dianne Abbott finally jumps f***ing Portillo and shags him till his f***ing eyeballs pop and have f***ing done with it!

Tim Henman has hinted that Andy Murray is definitely the man to lead the British team in their upcoming Davis Cup fixture – he has the resilience and the leadership skills.

Oh, for c***’s sake, Andy Murray? What the f*** is the fuss about? He’s ranked number f***ing 11 in the world! And who’s f***ing ahead of him? A f***ing farrago of spoiled South American f***ing playboys, a former Yugoslavian with f*** all better to do, some c***, some other c***, and a couple of other c***s! There’s only about f***ing 200 people in the world f***ing play tennis, aren’t there? And still, Murray actually manages to f***ing lose to most of them in the f***ing Fourth Round, usually from having to retire hurt having sprained his jaw from whingeing at his latest f***ing coach! He is, in every f***ing sense, one long, miserable f***ing losing streak! Scottish Murrays were only f***ing good for sucking, and that’s the one thing he’s not f***ing shit at!

Finally, it seems that American punks Green Day are to follow up the success of their 2004 album American Idiot with a new album next year.

Oh, my giddy f***ing arse, Green Day are still clinging to the f***ing chairback of relevance like a dead Grandfather’s dried out bogey from two f***ing Christmases ago? I’m surprised they haven’t shrivelled up of f***ing shame! Corporate punk, an oxymoron created, sold and bought by f***ing morons! What’s it gonna be, another f***ing album of blasted out edgy rock anthems to toss on the f***ing cesspit of sameness that is your pointless f***ing career? F*** off, back to the untidied Californian bedrooms that spawned you, you loathsome little c***s!

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