July 17th, 2007

By the gripey farts of the infant baby Jesus, it’s MR AGREEABLE!

Waking up to a light breakfast of poached eggs, steamed greens, wholemeal toasted soldiers and a quart of Jamaican overproof rum with an aftershave chaser, I peruse the newspapers to see that there is still a large measure of sneering over last week’s Live Earth concert, in which major celebrities, many of whom own private jets and boast carbon footprints strong enough to put through your television set, nonetheless urged us to save the planet at their inspirational behest. It is very easy to sneer, some suggested.

Yeah? Well, it’s f***ing easy to breathe, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t f***ing do it! Even if it was incredibly difficult to f***ing sneer, more difficult than holding your f***ing breath for 10 minutes, you can bet there’d be a f*** of a lot of people willing to have a f***ing punt at these f***ing f***ers anyway! Still, maybe we should cut f***ing Madonna, Live Earth and the rest of these c***s some f***ing slack – after all, if it hadn’t been for their massively, obscenely egotistical, ozone-depleting f***ing squandering of the world’s resources for their own f***ing neon-lit, hairsprayed f***ing glory these past 20 years, we’d probably be in the throes of a f***ing Ice Age by now! But still, hesitant as I am to carp at the tireless f***ing Green efforts of Duran Duran, Christ’s cock in a f***ing blender, it was a bit like a f***ing Ku Klux Klan Against Racism extravanganza! “Okay, it’s important to remember why we’re here, because racism is a bad thing and we should all try to do better and stop it for the sake of our children and our children’s children. Awwright? Lecture over, HELLO LONDON, LET’S HAVE A F***ING LYNCHING!!!”

Lowri Turner, a writer who normally steers clear of mining her private life for inappropriate column fodder, has written this week of her ambivalent feelings towards her 12 month old daughter, whose pigmentation is rather dark as a result of her Indian father. “She seems so alien,” she writes, “with her long, dark eyelashes and dark brown hair, she looks nothing like me.”

For c***s sake! Well, skipping aside from the f***ing obvious point that any baby who bears as little f***ing resemblance as possible to a squat, peroxide f***ing toad like you, what the f***ing f***? There’s a f***ing reason she feels f***ing alien to you – unlike you, she’s a f***ing human being, and not some vile f***ing invasion in vaguely corporeal shape from the planet Shameless, Ignorant, Self-Obsessed, Right Wing Rag Filling C***! Racist against your own f***ing daughter? Why don’t you just bury your f***ing self alive?

The Enemy are a band currently much touted. Hailing from Coventry, they take as their inspiration Paul Weller, Oasis and the grey streets of their hometown, as their album, We’ll Live And Die In These Towns, attests.

Allah’s f***ing armpits, the world needs another bunch of c***s like this like it needs more bovine flatulence! There’s only one good thing to have come out of Coventry and that’s the motor – no, f***ing scrub that, the motorway’s scum-infested ¬†from having gone anywhere near f***ing Coventry in the f***ing first place! Your f***ing album should have been called We Leave This Town The Moment We Learn How To Operate Our Thumbs And To Write The Name Of Another Town, Any Other Town, On A Piece Of F***ing Cardboard! You don’t take pride in being f***ing shite! Mind you, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be looking for f***ing ideas to that f***ing dessicated, tight arsed weasel Paul Weller or those terminal f***ing Rutles wannabes Oasis, you cretinous, cockfaced, clueless c***s!

Finally, it seems that Boris Johnson is to run for the post of Mayor of London, following much speculation.

And the David Cameron Great Ideas Generating Machine spews out another f***ing cracker! F*** me, bandy, apart from Darius f***ing Guppy, who the f*** else is gonna vote for this galumphing, brayingly elephantine f***ing twat to run anything more important than his own f***ing bath? I wouldn’t entrust this fat pot of rhinoceros toss to be Mayor of f***ing Trumpton! I bet Abu f***ing Hamza would pick up more f***ing votes on a straight run-in! If this is the best we can do, we might as well resign ourselves to living in a f***ing one party state, with Gordon Brown’s f***ing kid as our next Dear Leader! C***s!

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